I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.