Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
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My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Van Gone
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name