Today’s Times
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Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.