Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
You Might Also Like
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*checks Timeline*…
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
This kid will have a bright future.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.