My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
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why isn’t he texting back
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too