That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.