Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?