The symmetry is uncanny.
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It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Perfection.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Stonehinge
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why