I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!