Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
it is time once again
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.