No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.