9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.