Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up