Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Taco Bell, Exit 22
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.