Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I like crazy people until they notice me
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform