Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
You Might Also Like
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.