Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
yes… yes…
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Go girl power!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard