Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.