Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Sounds like a bargain
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
This classic never gets old . . .
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn