the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
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My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale