does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body