If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
You Might Also Like
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.