Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
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Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.