When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.