I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.