me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
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SPLOOT
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!