Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me