[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
fr
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My patience has stretch marks.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
so this horse walks into a bar
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.