I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Shower sex be like:
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My first child will be named New Folder.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?