Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
They’re not wrong
i’m laughing very hard in real life
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”