Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.