Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
guys I’m going home
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.