Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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*seductively corrects your posture*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me: