You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.