me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.