Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.