corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
water it, i dare you
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.