You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
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Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this