I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.