Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I didn’t come here to be called names
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”