Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.