[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
decorating my apartment
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.