I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia