ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.