*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene