Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs