You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Worth the read.
My plans: 2020:
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full