Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
This is so me 😂😂
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”