“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
You Might Also Like
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?