People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
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When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Wait for it
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Best mom ever 😂
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.